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Amethyst Flynn hasn't added a story.
Now with added Translations to Normal!
when i am doing this for other people i can give a whole outline of what they have achieved so that it is clear how effectively any help will be used but i have absolutely zero redeeming qualities and will instead note the usefulness of my housemates
It's difficult for many people to present their cases of need in a productive and positive manner; I am no exception. I often recommend that other folks have a supportive friend or family member orchestrate these endeavors for that exact reason, though in my case, I tend to believe that putting myself out there head first is a necessity to self discipline.
The first mini PSA I want to offer is this: if anyone in your life suffers from depression, anxiety, and/or trauma, this is likely the type of struggle they self moderate and censor on a minute to minute basis. Effort they don't seem to demonstrate is happening between the lines, between the cracks, as a default. If you struggle with these issues, I want you to know that you are far from alone
So here is what I have done: any day you haven't heard me screaming this bloody murder, even if I am sitting still and breathing, I am "faking it until I make it." Some would say that is making it, in itself. On the other hand, sometimes it takes strength to drop the diligence act and seek help before you burn yourself out.
For about six months I worked in security; admittedly an easy job, all things considered, but including three consecutive twelve hour shifts and a mile long walk once an hour, which led to a massive breakdown of my mental and physical health. I couldn't find the proper time to eat, sleep, medicate, or wind down. I would sleep through two of my three days off, the third leaving me aimless and shaken from lost time.
Speaking of lost time, there are a number of hours at work I am unable to remember aside from momentary flickers. I started sleep walking, I started experiencing visual hallucinations, and I started having internal spikes of aimless rage.
This may illuminate the barriers I face in the prospect of seeking future work: if an easy job led me to this, perhaps I am not fit to work; if I am not fit to work in these days of high living cost, perhaps I am not fit to live.
my mother is a social worker with a bachelor's degree in anthro with a minor in native american studies. she is working with food banks to provide much needed resources to marginalized communities but she only makes about $15 per hour to cover a 2 person household with $1146 monthly rent. last year her car died and she had to get a brand new one financed with $300+ monthly payments but it was all she could get, then she was laid off from her previous job working with native american elders and i was the main income person even though i am a FUCKING RAGING TERRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT IDIOT AND I FUCKING CAN BARELY GET TO THE KITCHEN AND BACK TO THE COUCH WITHOUT LOSING MY TINY SHITTY FUCKING MIND.
When I look at people I admire, on the other hand, their effort and struggles in tandem are more clear to me. I won't go into my mother's story in too great of depth, but I will say that her perseverance despite struggles has always inspired me and that she put a great deal of spirit into gaining her Bachelor's in Anthro. She has an incredibly deep love and appreciation for the communities she serves, whether Indigenous elders or disenfranchised folks signing up for the food bank. She's served at a hospice care center, assisted with clinic enrollment, and provided warmth and unconditional positive regard to various backgrounds.
Despite her dedication, her income alone will not cover the cost of living. While she was between jobs after funding was cut from her position at the Seattle Indian Health Board, I did provide to the household, but not without burning myself out.
This in itself is disheartening, because I do not want to trade off my overworked burnout for her to do it again, herself.
ok anyway we have this adorable little dog named Cha Cha who likes being towel dried after walking in the rain, knows the word "sequester" and agrees to it on the rare occasion that i manage to get my shit ass out to the apartment office to get the vacuum cleaner that was just delivered, we got her as my comfort animal even though i am entirely useless and it hasn't fixed me but she is the most absolutely lovely glowing little creature and lives to be good and beautiful and sweet
Furthermore, in the home that we share, my mom graciously took up the idea of housing a companion animal to help calm my nerves, and Cha Cha does so beautifully. She is incredibly smart, sweet tempered, but also spirited, energetic, and quite nurturing in her tiny maternal way.
I'm of the mind that regardless of its "job" in your home, any animal taken in deserves top quality care: nutrition, exercise, love, cozy shelter, patience and understanding, play, humor, the whole nine yards. Cha Cha is a great asset to both my well being and my mother's; despite Cha Cha being a chihuahua/terrier mix, which are known for deep bonds with one person, and my mom not having had many pets of her own in her life, Cha Cha has closely bonded with both of us and dances with joy when either of us come come. She sits with mom during movie nights and sleeps beside me on my bed.
neither of them deserve to be with me when i eventually succumb to the same fate as my dad, dying behind an abandoned restaurant having sucked down some shitty cheap beer from the gas station after everyone stops talking to me because people with staying power for mental health issues don't exist. dad was at least cool, i hope i die somewhere i can rot for some years and nobody notices im even fucking gone, fuck me and fuck this planet but
yeah hi i like my mom and my dog and i just want them to have a home please give money for them to not be homeless so i can go die behind a restaurant thanks
I've had it posited by others that perhaps I would function better elsewhere, on my own; I don't think this is the case. I've struggled through a number of scenarios with roommates, benefactors, lovers, solo situations, and despite this rocky terrain, what most don't realize is that this is the most stable living situation I've had in over a decade. Everyone is difficult to live with in some measure at some points; mom and I tend to find peace within 48 hours every time. I'm actually proud to live with her, though preferably offering contribution to the household.
I wouldn't have made it through six months of work if it weren't for that sense of contribution to a home with so much laughter and accommodation.
So, while it seems like a dramatic statement, I do believe that leaving this situation would be detrimental in one way or another -- to my physical and mental health, to my ability to function even at the rudimentary level that I am now, even to my intelligence and will to live.
It may be unlikely that this living situation is permanent, but in order for any move elsewhere -- with or without this particular family structure -- to succeed, I need to gain control of my most basic needs first so that I can gain the capacity to function on my own.
PSA 2 for those still reading: if you have someone in your life who suffers with depression, anxiety, and/or trauma, the signs and symptoms of those conditions can, in themselves, make it difficult to obtain and maintain the care and recovery for those selfsame conditions. In physical terms, breaking every bone in your body would make it difficult to drag yourself to the hospital or even operate a cell phone to call emergency services.
Despite being invisible, mental and emotional injuries can operate in a similar way: calling a support line can lead to forgetting words, including ones' own name; what one is calling about; one's own phone number; ability to write down an appointment date. Same with showering, dressing, eating enough to walk to a bus stop. Paying for the bus, paying the bill for the appointment, carrying an insurance card.
The fear of seeking help is often preemptive control of these circumstances via waiting until that glorious high functioning day, during which we tend to do literally everything at once. This can be a shock to the neurotypical audience to see: the most go-getter types will tell us to slow down. This can be, but isn't always, mania; sometimes it is a wild if direct scramble to pin down as much as we can, while we can.
If you have these struggles, you are still nowhere near alone. I see you. I get that sometimes you're putting your massive efforts into sitting still and breathing, I get that sometimes you're putting your massive efforts into doing all of it before the laws of ability physics flip on you again. I hear you, I believe you, you're not faking it. You are not alone.
With this, you have the first real step towards my re-functioning, my recalibration; maybe 1.5, actually, since even shrieking pain into the distance instead of silencing it is a new step. Expression and then refinement are concrete, if messy, steps towards function.
What I have achieved:
Even when I've given up
I have not quit.
Perks
- 1 claimed
This one is the most fun and I'm putting no limit on how much support you can put towards a little dog's needs. Wet food, dry food, toys, blankets, maybe health check ups, whatever comes up. If rent or electricity are necessary it may go there, but I would be more than happy otherwise to put her fund to the side as long as her needs for food and shelter are covered first. Photos and videos of the little charisma creature will be many and if you're especially generous with the dog you might get a surprise Cha Cha videocast.
- 0 claimed
Coffee, bus funds, little things that will make a beautiful indigenous social worker laugh: only the best for my beautiful mommy. I probably can't catch her on video because she's wily but I can share pictures of the best of what she's getting. If nothing else, her funds go straight into her hand. She can get a nice lunch at work or something with it and we will all be better off for it.
- 1 granted
- 3 remaining
None of these are frivolity and I only plan to have assistance to cover them until I can get a part time job. These include payments on my vision correction surgery, Comcast internet that will be used to job hunt, and a phone service to ensure full communication abilities. You will get confirmation on the bill you assisted with.
- 0 claimed
- 2 remaining
If you are feeling especially generous, eliminate my biggest trigger in one go. This one is definitely not coming back as it's not entirely something I want to do, but overall, would eliminate a lot of my barriers. You will be invited to watch this one paid via video chat. Don't be weird, the apartment manager is cool and I want her to be my friend!
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Copy- 1 claimed
This one is the most fun and I'm putting no limit on how much support you can put towards a little dog's needs. Wet food, dry food, toys, blankets, maybe health check ups, whatever comes up. If rent or electricity are necessary it may go there, but I would be more than happy otherwise to put her fund to the side as long as her needs for food and shelter are covered first. Photos and videos of the little charisma creature will be many and if you're especially generous with the dog you might get a surprise Cha Cha videocast.
- 0 claimed
Coffee, bus funds, little things that will make a beautiful indigenous social worker laugh: only the best for my beautiful mommy. I probably can't catch her on video because she's wily but I can share pictures of the best of what she's getting. If nothing else, her funds go straight into her hand. She can get a nice lunch at work or something with it and we will all be better off for it.
- 1 granted
- 3 remaining
None of these are frivolity and I only plan to have assistance to cover them until I can get a part time job. These include payments on my vision correction surgery, Comcast internet that will be used to job hunt, and a phone service to ensure full communication abilities. You will get confirmation on the bill you assisted with.
- 0 claimed
- 2 remaining
If you are feeling especially generous, eliminate my biggest trigger in one go. This one is definitely not coming back as it's not entirely something I want to do, but overall, would eliminate a lot of my barriers. You will be invited to watch this one paid via video chat. Don't be weird, the apartment manager is cool and I want her to be my friend!
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