My divorce started in May 2020. The nightmare began long before that. The marriage was not a good one so it didn't come as a surprise that the divorce was the same way. I was abused, gaslighted, manipulated for years before the divorce started and that was a terrible experience. "Post separation abuse" is a term I discovered recently. In my experience, this has been even more insidious.
I just wanted a family. I just wanted to be loved. Not a damn thing more. I always give trust until I have a reason not to. This was no different. Many people warned me about what I was getting into; but I am a good person with a good heart. People make mistakes and are capable of changing-except in this case. Even though I was wrong here, I will never let these people take that outlook away from me. Letting them change my morals and values is giving them far too much power. I'll never give up that power, even if it's the only thing I am left with.
I've made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime. I've battled with mental illness and addiction. Although I've never purposely hidden nor denied my shortfalls; it has only been over the past two years going through this divorce that I really stepped back and took a hard look in the mirror. Now-having said all that-it does not mean that I am a unfit parent. I am simply admitting my limitations. Limitations that many parents also share. I knew I had them from the beginning. I put myself in a situation in which I became dependent on the wrong person. I take full accountability for that and I knew I had my work cut out for me when this came to a head two years ago. This union went on way longer than it should have because I was afraid that the constant threats were going to be made good on. Hell it shouldn’t have ever happened. Being threatened with divorce not even 24 hours after the union should've been my 100th clue after everything I'd already been put through. He had the means to follow through with any evil he wanted and I knew it. I tried to stick it out and deny the obvious until it was too late. There is an innocent child caught in the middle who didn't ask for any of this. No one is happy with the result when the Court gets involved. I am not that naïve and understand that. Court was never my idea, despite I wanted to get this fucker for all the abuse, however; I was treated was if I had murdered someone...well I'll just not go any farther than that here…as it seems that’s OK where I’m from.
Divorce isn't pretty. Most people are ignorant, including myself; about how this is just as much as a business as anything else is. Now I know some of you have reached out to me, referred legal counsel-and stated how this person is "different". How they "care". Truly I am not here to tell you that you are wrong and I am happy that you care enough to reach out in an effort to try and help me. It means a lot to me. And I am truly happy the referral you've passed on to me helped you.
This effort is not to fund a custody battle. It has gone so much farther than that at this point & it’s so unlikely I’ll find anyone they’ll even try taking this on-no matter how much money I raise.
Tomorrow I will get served with even more papers. In an attempt to make me face my abuser once again. In front of a system that is supposed to be impartial, yet has only supported and empowered the abuse to continue. This will be the 3rd time I believe. Why? Because I ran out of money a long time ago. I've been unable to adequately defend myself anymore. I don’t know many people that can afford to have to defend themselves for simply existing to a narcissist. Despite the fact that I show up every single time, I cry to the Court about how I just want peace, how I can't afford legal counsel, about how much I love my daughter. They bury me even deeper in debt and farther away from my daughter and cite legal jargon that is way above my education level. Just to make it legit, no matter how immoral it is. The anticipation of serving me with papers, once again. Just to humiliate me is likely keeping my fan club awake tonight. Kendall loves me and they think it’s funny to hurt someone she loves. There’s truly a special place in hell. I will pity them. Finding joy in hurting another human is for the weak, foolish, & simpleminded. I’m not the first target you’ll use to bring temporary satisfaction to your pathetic unhappy life, and I’ll likely not be your last.
I need help sifting through the two 18-gallon totes of paperwork I have and do not understand. I can't afford to hire someone to help me understand it. I don't have the time nor the mental capacity to do this on my own. Trusting the wrong people to try doing that for me, did more harm than if I had just took this on myself in the beginning. I worked harder than my own legal team ever did. They did far more harm than any good.
There is something very wrong here. There has been for a long time and I've been powerless to do anything about it. I could never hate anyone more than I love my own child. This can't be cheap. I shudder at the thought of the money I personally wasted on my end. Money that could have went to make Kendall and Jack's life better. I am fearful my adversaries will never understand this. They have a sea of sharks who are better manipulators than they are, convincing them they are right. It's like a shady used car salesman, but so much worse. The sales manager is an elected official that I have no choice but to pay their salary because of the tax structure & I’m stuck with a lemon.
I'll add to this and expand the effort to make it more clear. I can only dedicate so much time a day to this. It's devastating. I do still have a life though. I have to have boundaries with this, just like everything else to insure I'm OK and to keep a level head in a situation that makes zero sense.
Losing control can bring even the strongest of men to their knees. Accepting a new reality and just fucking figuring it out is what I’ve had to do. Overt and over again. With zero money and a broken heart. Getting through its is true power though. I finally have that and no one is going to ever take that away from me.
