Everything about Brian Bittner was big mood energy and nothing was simple. We had a long long friendship and I have loved him since the minute I saw him at 13 years old. Our romantic relationship was predominantly a mess, but even in the aftermath, as we grew and healed imperfectly, we maintained an essence of connection, a slice of love that somehow remained undefiled through all the years and the darkness, the atrocities and all the stuff.  There wasn't a day we didn't talk, we were inexplicably connected.

Living apart and finding new ways to heal, connect was hard as hell and also essential. Just in the last few months did we really reconnect and last weekend we had a great time, like a really authentically good time. He told me stories I hadn't heard, we laughed more than we had in years....it was like his dialouge had shifted a little, towards his own moves to really find new ways to know himself and interact with the world. He was talking of the future, which I hadn't heard him do ages. It was a really great moment, and now it's sort of a time capsule. 

On early Tuesday morning, he came into bed and started to settle in next to me. he looked a little off, and I asked him if he was alright. He looked at me with these big peaceful eyes and said, "I feel amazing." And then he curled up to me and he had a massive heart attack.

EMTs transferred him to John C Lincoln where they stabilized him long enough for his Dad, Rainy + Digger and Justin to arrive. They did all the scans and tests and he was completely unresponsive. I believe that he was gone before he even hit the pillow, really, somehow consumed by the feeling of Amazing. 💚  He passed at about 3pm Tuesday afternoon, surrounded by the folks who loved him most. I got to hold his hand and feel his pulse fade from the world. And for as wrecked as I am, and lost as I feel, I will always have ultimate gratitude for the gift of sharing his life, his last days and hours and minutes, his last breath, his last heartbeat. 

I'm not great. Everyone says I'm doing pretty good. I'm not doing pretty good at all, but I'm treading water, I'm trying to keep afloat. It's very isolating and very surreal, like I skipped into some other timeline. I am vexed to even wrap my brain around simple daily stuff. I reach for my phone ten times a day, my stomach drops everytime the damn thing goes "ding!" I know I haven't even put my shoes on to begin the rollercoaster journey of grief that will be part of my path for the rest of my own life. My dreams are weird, everything's weird. I can't feel him in the world, and that's  weird.

But, this was the final scene for B, and I miss him tremendously and I felt like you all should know, what's happening with me, what happened with him, and not have to speculate. 

A cosmic shout to my Brian. You're loved, you're missed, and thank you.

Love, always.

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