As difficult as it is for me to continue living an enthusiastic and optimistic life, and as much as my heart is drawn to be with my late wife Kiki (Sri Ayu Rezeki), there's much to accomplish. I am torn between the strong feeling of following through on our/my obligations to humanity regardless of how small the gesture may seem to others, and the equally strong impulse to sit idly by and do nothing but pray, think about, and talk about how to improve the world around me - as is such a popular choice, which most of you are all too familiar with (or are guilty of making).

I challenge you to do more than just imagine a better world, and to sit around and wait for it to materialize as most of you do nothing proactive to make it happen. Yes, a ridiculous notion, YET one you've entertained almost every day of your lives, and for many decades. Maybe I'm wrong (but I doubt it). But you've got to be honest with yourselves. I've been accused of being cynical while the world gets more indifferent, untrusting, and lazy. You watch the news. It's talked about at your place of work, at school, your local bar, and pretty much anywhere people gather and congregate.

All of losses I've suffered are only compounded by the lack of physcial evidence that the people around me and that I can reach out to by all means at my disposal. I can forgive people wanting to look out for their families, their community interests, and things that effect/affect their lives on a daily basis. But what I refuse to forgive is how people claim to be so caring, and loving, and "devout" when there's nothing but evidence to the contrary. We can't hide from ourselves. DENIAL DOES NOT WORK!

We cannot fool ourselves. We can give up, and lie to each other, and pretend that everything is all right, BUT IT IS NOT! I will not spend my next 49 years putting up with the hypocrisy, and the blatant deceptions that we're so "civil" as our neighbors homes are foreclosed upon, our community members become homeless, starve on the streets, and people living up to their civic duty are threatened with arrest when they try to feed them. If you feel remorse in the pit of your gut, because you are guilty of doing nothing but saying what a shame it is, but do nothing with your voting power to change things for the better, how long will you accept your slave mentality, instead of being of service to one another?

Excuses won't bail you out of such a cycle of self-stagnance. WE ARE NOT WARRING PEOPLE! Watching tragedy occur, and finding ways to justify it - while going against [your] religious dogma, and man-made laws - does not let you off the karmic hook. Everyone around you - your family, your friends, and all of the people you profess your allegiance and love to - is subject to the same punishment you have coming to you for your disloyalty to self. To make self-preservation your only goal in life is to abandon your connection with all others.

And as you grow older, and lose your ability to function independently, you will have plenty of time to see the fruits of your labors - a world altered by your lack of identity with people outside of your scope of generosity. Let that linger in your minds for a while. With the same technology you're using to access this fundraising campaign, you can change countless lives for the better by opening your mind and heart to problems and issues that do not even affect you directly. All you have to do is imagine how someone else's life could be elevated by a simple gesture of kindness or empathy.

I have as little as I do [materially], becaue I give what I can - even if I have very little to give - to those who are more needy than myself. The illusion, or delusion, that having a house bigger than we need, an extra car, or a boat, that we may not use, disposabe income that we can't take with us when we die, and the vain collecting of jewelry and big ticket items we can do without, makes us suspects (accessories even) to crimes against our fellow citizens. Not citizens within our national boundaries, but [fellow] citizens of planet Earth.

You remember "Mother Earth" - the place we came from, that sustains our existence in the universe, don't you? I don't have to tell you that once we poison our habitat, we can't reverse the damage, right? You do know that this means that what we've been taught about natural selection and preservation of the species pertains to ALL FORMS OF LIFE ON THIS PLANET? OUR PLANET. We're [Earth's] caretakers, and we get worse at it with every single passing moment.

So know that you are lying to yourself when you tell yourself that you are doing all that you can to protect and preserve the well-being of YOUR PLANET. You're no less responsible for the resources of this great nurturing home we share. And they're no more some corporation's "property" than the homeless family who huddles in an alley to live. So many issues so little time. We die every night we lay down to rest at night, and we are given another chance to prove our worthiness to one another every day we awaken.

How many more days, weeks, months, or years are you going to waste dreaming about change, and continue to do nothing to make it happen? The cycle has been - live, consume, breed, consume, blindly contribute to the irreversible destruction of nature, consume, die. But, before you die, leave your children and grandchildren an inheritance of damage that you allowed to occur systematically as you danced carelessly among the smoke and mirrors you helped design and build.

When we know better, we cannot pretend we do not. [Know] better than to commit wrongs. Better than to pass the blame on to the innocents. Better than to allow wrongs to happen in front of us as we stand idly by instead of stopping others from commiting them. Are we cowards parading around as champions; victors of conquests who reap the benefit of the spoils while real victims suffer, lose everything they stand for, and die, as we celebrate? If so, we have the ability to change these reckless patterns of behavior.

I'm not bulletproof, but I believe we're all here to be of service to one another. And there are a select few among the masses who deserve to be defended, because they have no voice, and are powerless to defend themselves. So those of us who have freedom to act on their behalf should do so without fail.

<3 Massive Love <3

******************************************************************************************************

The following writings were posted several months ago, but are no less relevant today.

******************************************************************************************************

FYI: The $100,000+ (USD) price tage for Kiki's chemotherapy treatment is still the goal - for what is now (Kiki's) memorial fund - to assist orphanages* in Banda Aceh, Indonesia, and other areas, the fight against the human trafficking/sex slave trades, and other great causes.

* A foster care system would be ideal, BUT that's not how things are done here.

In order to register this (fund) as a non-profit, and later, a foundation, I need to return to the United States. My funds are running increasingly low - tourist visas prohibit working. I appreciate that my family-friends have been taking care of me during my grieiving, but I can't function here anymore. The culture shock is too much, and my upward mobility is crippled here.

I need to sit down with other concerned proactive people, and utilize the info I've collected.

About a month or so ago, I saw a young homeless girl - about 7 or 8 years old - lying face down on the sidewalk, wearing only a filthy dress, and apparently no undergarments. She was also very dirty and no one stopped to check on her or help her. From what I could see while passing in a car, she was unconscious. This is a normal day in Bogor, Indonesia.

It sucks not to be able to help oneself, but it's even more crushing when you see a child who's much worse off. This fund/foundation will end such incidents ON THE SPOT!

Lesson: The leaders of third world countries can deny their status, but when I see people suffering in great numbers, it is my obligation as a free citizen to share some of what I know and can provide to better their lives. This is my hope. And I hope it is yours, too.

******************************************************************************************************

In memory of my angelic wife Kiki (Sri Ayu Rezeki - RIP, August 16, 2014), there's still a lot of work to do to achieve her/our dreams and goals. She was an orphan* from Banda Aceh, Indonesia. She survived Malaria twice, and dengue fever three times. She lost her mother, grandfather, and many other family members and friends - as did countless others - during the earthquake-tsunami of December 26, 2004.

* Kiki was child # 20, because her biological parents couldn't stop "boinking" - after having 18 children they could not afford to raise you'd think they'd "get it". *painful face palm*

She lost her best friend (her adoptive mother) that day, and was profoundly impacted by the loss. When her father died from a heart attack six years later, she was told she was adopted, which further confused and depressed her. Though such a dislosure is customary in her culture, orphans aren't respect there as in more modern regions of the world.

At the end of 2011, Kiki was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and began treatment in early 2012. For more than a year, I spent almost 24 hours of every day with her via webcam from the beginning of our online courtship until a few days before we were married in Banda Aceh on May 21, 2013.

For fifteen glorious months, I got to share an extraordinarily close, loving, almost fairy tail-like love affair and friendship with someone so real and warm-hearted that it's now like a fantastic dream from which I cannot awaken. Moving on has been somewhat surreal, to say the least, but our goals and dreams have taken on even more meaning since her passing.

It'll take some time to generate enough interest from the general population, and it's not really all that an original concept, but the well-being of orphans - which Kiki was one of - was always a charitable goal of hers, and, now, even more so, one of mine. Giving clothing, money, and sharing a warm smile only touches the surface though.

Planning to establish an international health care network for expats with little or no health insurance is also a challenging, but not lofty, endeavor. Had one existed, or had we been referred to one, my Kiki might still be here today.

L.A. Zen is my/our pride and joy. It started out as an entertainment showcase/interview program out of one of Time Warner's public access studios in Santa Monica, California. The potential was significant until Time Warner shut down its studio facilities in Los Angeles County. We were not

In 2016, the show will be more of an opportunity for the underprivileged and performers in the adult entertainment industry to transition to a career that's more safe and mainstream. L.A. Zen is more of a rehearsal for something bigger than a grooming for something definite. But it's a serious undertaking, and, we hope, entertaining as well.