I don’t know where to begin this or how to write a letter asking for money, so I’ll just give you my take on the situation, and if you feel like reading to the end and then contributing, we sincerely thank you.
Cam (as I call him, but most of his friends call him CJ) is my 17-year-old son. It took me such a long time to be comfortable saying that. But I got here. If you knew Cam before middle school and haven’t seen or interacted with him since, this may be a difficult idea for you to wrap your mind around. That’s okay. Gender is this weird concept that our society thought was set in stone, but as younger generations often do, this one has shed new light on the fact that we don’t have to fit into the rigid boxes that generations before us had to. Women that don’t want to get married or have children and men that don’t qualify for a 21st century socially required level of masculinity know of these rigid boxes and how limiting they can be to a person’s happiness. As much as it may pain Cameron to hear, I can miss the girl that he was sometimes. Every once in a while, I see a picture of this 6-year-old girl whose hair I spent 30 minutes braiding in the morning and who was so proud of her cute sparkly outfit and her own girl power, and my heart sinks for a second. Luckily, I can just walk into the next room, sit down next to Cam, and my heart is instantly lifted. The love that I braided that hair with and the pride he felt to be himself in that moment are all still there. When the name we had given him began to cause him pain to hear, that was a difficult space to be in. Hearing “she” and “her” had the same effect on him. Any of the three would put a look on his face that he’d failed that day, failed to hide his chest enough, failed to fix his hair the right way, or that people would only see this thing he was trying so desperately to hide. I hated those moments. We’d be in a crowded room of people and one person would refer to him as she. No one else would notice, but I’d see his face and it hurt to watch. As it is for many people, middle school was a rough patch. There were some beautiful, accepting souls who got us through those years.
Enter Booker T. High School for the Performing and Visual Arts. In a month, he'll start his senior year. The school is something I am intensely grateful for. I remember the theater conservatory director asking me just before Cam’s freshman year started as I was in a line picking up supplies, “Any questions for me, mom?” I nervously asked about something regarding his name and being trans and being concerned. I must have been noticeably rattled because she looked at me and said, “This is exactly where you want him to be.” She was so right. He is somewhere that he can be himself with no apologies. As happens in high school, kids become adults. He’s got a job and his driver’s permit, and college is a central topic of conversation these days.
Even with an accepting culture around him, Cam still has a burden to wrestle with every day - his chest. He binds his chest and has for years now. Those unfamiliar with the situation may ask why we would allow him to wear a binder for such long hours and this is a fair question. As a parent, we often have had to make difficult choices. Seeing the pain and shame not binding in public caused him was enough for us to accept allowing him to do it more than advised. How could anyone force a child in their awkward teen years to suffer any more at the hands of their peers than they already will? We didn’t support or suggest he do it but taking away something that gave him confidence in this difficult time of transition seemed cruel and unusual. Then arrived the long days of being at school and then going directly to work until 11pm. That’s a bound chest for 15 hours; uncomfortable and much longer than recommended wearing.
The first time top surgery was suggested, I thought about how young Cam was and all the crazy ideas I had about myself when I was that age. How could we allow our child to possibly make the wrong decision and alter their body in such a drastic way? After reading the research (I cannot stress how important it is to actually LOOK at the proof of what gender affirming care does for these kids – lifts them out of darkness and gives them hope that they can have the life they want and deserve the chance to have), talking with doctors, and just in general educating myself as to how helpful top surgery can be to the mental wellbeing of a transgender male, youth or adult, I realized that this was something that is necessary for Cam to be himself. Not something for him to get ahead or so he can receive special treatment; this is something that is a basic need for him to exist contently in his own body. That is something we all strive for. I also accepted that if later in life he did change his mind, let’s face it, breast reconstructive surgery is alive and well and always will be for those who need it (and for those who just desire it). That first mention was many years ago; there has been no wavering or doubt in his decision at all during these years.
I never thought the Texas government would take such a huge role in my kid’s doctors’ visits. They claim their actions are to protect my child which is very hard to accept as truth when they demand we go against every piece of advice from every medical professional and expert we have spoken to and seen.
Cam is turning 18 in 5 months. Surgery as someone under 18 became an impossibility unless we ventured to another state which would only add travel and hotel costs to an already out-of-pocket surgery price tag of between $10,000 - $15,000. The hope for now is to have as much money raised as possible by the time he is 18 so that he can have the surgery then and enjoy his last few months of high school in the body he feels is truly his own, so here we are, asking our village for help.
With Love,
The Douples
