I don’t like to ask friends and family for help.  For those of you who know me well, the fact that I am asking for help should show you how serious this is.  I’ve walked through 22 years of my life being perceived by others as a male, despite knowing that I am not.  More than that, I have walked through 22 years of my life with intense feelings of disassociation from my body.  Hormone replacement therapy is helping immensely with many of these issues, but there is only so much that this can do.  I need a vagina.

I’ve thought and thought and thought about whether or not surgery is a necessity for me, and have come again and again to the conclusion that it is. This is not about hating having a penis. It’s about wanting a vagina. Needing a vagina. Physical transition for me is not so simple as a choice to change my body.  It is a choice to keep living.  It’s a choice not to give up and admit defeat.  I’m tired of feeling shame and hopelessness every time I have to interact with my own genitals.  Every time I use the restroom, every time I dress, every time I undress, every time I lie with a lover, every time I have to adjust my panties, every time I shower, every time (often several times a week) that a stranger feels entitled to ask me what’s in my pants…  I cannot live like this anymore.  I CANNOT live the rest of my life in a stranger’s body. 

Most of my life has been spent trying to escape.  Years of drug abuse, repeated suicide attempts, and other forms of self-harm.  Even in good times not caring properly for myself… I’ve come to realize how much of this stems from disassociation with my body.  I always internalized the popular idea that everyone should be happy with their body the way it is.  But the reality is that on a very deep profound level, I have NEVER been okay with my body the way that I was born (and the way that my first puberty made me). What this resulted in was a deep self-loathing.  I grew to hate myself for wanting a different body.  And so, for most of my life, I pretended to myself that everything was okay while in reality I was dying inside.  The hardest realization for me was that loving myself - accepting myself – meant I had to accept the fact that I would never be happy with my body the way that it was.  It is okay that I am a woman and it is okay that I require medical procedures to keep myself healthy both physically and mentally.  I refuse to keep attempting to numb myself, and erase myself instead of asking for the help that I need.  I am worthwhile.

My vagina will improve every aspect of my life.  It will allow me to wear swim suits, and swim in public without fear of being assaulted for being trans.  It will enable me to use public showers without fear of arrest, verbal and physical abuse, or death.  I won’t have to go through the often painful process of pushing my testicles into my abdomen, and tucking my genitals back into several pairs of underwear (cutting off circulation and causing pain throughout the day) every few hours, every day of my life.  I wont have to be afraid that when I use the women’s restroom, my narrower pee stream (and consequently longer time spent peeing) will out me as a trans women to others in the bathroom and result in verbal or physical abuse (as has happened to me in the past).  It will allow me to have sex in ways that don’t constantly undermine my gender identity. It will enable me to do something that cisgendered people do every day, that I have NEVER been able to do: to go through life without constantly having to think about my genitals. To just, you know, have the right stuff in my pants.

I’ve done extensive research as to which type of surgery I should get, and where I can get it done both expertly and cost-effectively.  For those of you wondering whether Medi-Cal would cover this (since they are legally obligated to), let me tell you that if that were anything other than a pipe dream, I would definitely go that route. Unfortunately, Medi-Cal only covers genital reconstructive surgery on a case-by-case basis.  They cover VERY few surgeries of this type, despite having hundreds of cases filed every year.  The people who attempt to go through Medi-Cal are faced with years of denied requests and legal battles with insurance companies who fight tooth and nail to leave us behind.  After all of the lawyer fees and time spent with beaurocracy, trans women are faced with the reality that there are no Medi-Cal certified surgeons who perform genital reconstructive surgery. Add to this the fact that the type of genital surgery that I have chosen is not performed in the United States, and you’ll see why that route is simply not an option.

Thailand is where thousands and thousands of trans women from across the world get their surgeries done.  The reasons for this are twofold.   One is that we have an incredibly hard time finding well-paying employment (why do you think so many of us are sex workers?) that would allow us to get surgery in our countries of origin, and Thailand offers surgeries for a fraction of what they cost elsewhere.  The other is that much of the groundbreaking work around genital reconstructive surgery is being done in Thailand.  That is where some of the best surgeons in the world operate; surgeons who have done these exact surgeries thousands of times and have perfected the art.  The reality is that I am going to be undergoing a very invasive surgery that carries lots of risks.  I want to have this done by people who know their way around this particular procedure.  Also, Thailand is home to the specific type of surgery that I have chosen (there are several different methods). 

The amount of money that I need for this surgery is far too much to pay on my own. In the last year, I’ve ben lucky enough to have found a source of employment that (while tenuous and under-the-table) has made basic living costs more manageable.  I’ve even been able to afford paying entirely out of pocket for my hormone replacement therapy, as well as laser hair removal and electrolysis on my face and neck.  But the reality is that I’ve still spent most of that year living in a car, and using food stamps to get by.  And another reality is that I am damn near unemployable as a trans woman who does not currently read as female to most people.  I work my ass off to get the money that I do have, and I’ve been slowly saving for this procedure but it isn’t even close to enough.  It hurts to ask, but I need help.

The surgery that I have chosen, by the doctor I have chosen (after comparing dozens of surgeons by prices, reviews, procedures, pictures, years of experience, etc), isn’t cheap.  Plus there are travel expenses.  What I didn’t include are things like food, and rent prices while gone.  Below is a breakdown.

   Surgery:                 15,000

   Airfair:                   1,000

   Hotel(1 month): 2,000   

I know that I probably won’t reach anywhere near my goal, but seriously every dollar helps.  And every ‘share’ helps. Thank you.

*for those who are thinking of trying to discourage me:   

Please consider the years and years of pain and self-loathing that I have endured.  Please consider the fact that the first time I tried to kill myself was when I was ten, and the most recent one was less than 3 years ago.  Please consider the fact that I know a lot more about this than you do. Please consider the fact that this was EXTREMELY hard to do, and if there were even the tiniest bit of doubt in my mind as to whether or not surgery is my only option, I would not have written this.  Please consider the fact that you (assuming you are not transsexual) have been able to go through your life without experiencing the reality that I have, and to you it’s probably pretty easy to take your genitals for granted.  Please consider the fact that this is my body and I am going to find a way to have my surgery whether you decide to help me or not. Please consider that this surgery is a life-saving surgery and has been defined as such not only by thousands of trans people, but by insurance agencies and government entities who have no vested interest in helping trans people.  Any discouraging words will only serve to damage me, and dammit I cry enough as it is.  I want to live and this is what I need.   This is what I need.