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I can't believe it's been been five months since I updated everyone
who supported me financially with my health issues. My various
symptoms were really awful for a long time - the burning feet syndrome
(most likely small fibre neuropathy), the nocturnal polyuria made for
very little sleep, which in any case is never restorative. I was given
a drug to help me sleep, but that gave me restless legs, which was
almost worse than either of these, so I stopped taking it. I had an
awful, endless viral infection in January, not COVID but a kind of
cold or flu, the worst I've ever had. It caused a ticking sound in my
head which got worse if I moved or even moved my eyes, and this was
layered on top of my already horrible tinnitus. But it did pass,
eventually. I still have burning feet and I still have to wee
throughout the night, but it is better than it was. My pancreas is
still not working properly so I have to take digestive enzymes with
every meal and snack, and my hormones won't settle down into something
relatively normal. I've had weird heart arrhythmias and I'm still
waiting to see a cardiologist about this, so too an NHS neurologist
and rheumatologist to proceed with the small fibre neuropathy
diagnosis. I did have an appointment with an NHS gastroenterologist,
and I've had an abdominal CT scan for which I'm awaiting results. I've
had brain and spine MRIs, which showed nothing out of the ordinary
(other than the prolapsed disc).
About the prolapsed disc -- my sciatic pain has varied from
awful to completely manageable and back again, but mostly it is
nothing like it was in 2021, not even close, I can't tell you how
grateful I am. I still take a drug for this, but I've reduced what I
had to take in the early days. Overall I'd say most of my symptoms
have eased, even if only a little. Again, I'm so, so grateful. But I
still have a tiny window of energy available to me each day, no more
than 3 hours usually. I still have severe, crushing exhaustion, and
dry eyes and dry mouth and so on.
But....! I've had some really good days recently. My
mental health is overall better than it's been in many years - and it
is this I mostly want to talk about because I'm going to ask for your
help again.
I was long ago diagnosed with C-PTSD - complex post-traumatic
stress disorder. I have never really known what to do with this - over
the decades I've done different kinds of therapy and therapeutic
approaches, and I'm sure these helped but I still have had breakdowns
and periods of severe depression. And, as you know, after the drastic
downturn in my physical health in 2021 I knew I had to do everything I
could, both on a physical and mental level, to at least bring me some
kind of ease, for otherwise my life as it was then was not worth living.
Thanks to so many generous people I've managed to do a lot about
my health from acupuncture to seeing private consultants. I've talked about
Rex Brangwyn, the extraordinary EMDR therapist I worked with for
several months, and then early this year I started work with another
therapist, Montseratt, someone Rex recommended who has a different
approach. As soon as I saw her photograph on her website, I
knew she was someone I had to work with. She's a soul worker, mentor,
grief worker, doula, childbirth activist, singer and of course, a
psychotherapist. She and I do weekly sessions on Zoom, and 3 or 4
intensive in-person sessions that last all day. I've had 3 so far, and
the last one was incredible.
I was able for the first time in my life to truly access the
deep river of pain that lives inside me, that lives beneath all the
dissociative behaviours I've learned to avoid the pain. I've always
been frustrated that I could not access how it actually felt to be
seven years old and survive a car crash
that killed my father in Crete, and all the associated trauma that
unfolded afterwards: my mother's severe illness, living in a foreign
country and so on, not having family or friends around for support.
Not to mention my early teenage experience of being an
unwitting/unwilling witness to my mother's violent and overtly sexual
relationship with her second husband. And all that followed: the years
of bulimia, the suicide of a friend, the near death of my own second
husband. I can remember how awful it was when I was older, but when I
was seven? No. The traumas that followed just compounded my
dissociation, my feelings of isolation, my coping behaviours (be
strong, capable, independent).
In this last long session with Montseratt felt all of
the pain, all of the grief. So deeply and so fully and so painfully it
literally flowed throughout my body - for hours, and at the
same time I experienced an extraordinary sense of compassion and love.
Montseratt was with me the whole time, witnessing what I was going
through, holding me, talking with me. At one point she said,
"This is home." The issue of not having a home
has been huge for me all my life - not just because I have lived in so
many countries, but because I've never felt grounded in myself, never
really felt committed to living, to life. And when she said This
is home, I could feel the truth of that. And afterwards,
something shifted inside me. I'd felt the pain I'd been avoiding all
my life, and I'd survived. Not only survived, but discovered within me
a compassion I never knew existed.
After this session I had some days and hours of feeling better
in my body than I've felt in years, actually healthy. And
even happy!
And, the work is not over, I need to practise this compassion on a
daily basis. And after this long session I knew I needed to do another
one. The original idea was to only do three, but my second session was
not fruitful, so it felt clear to me that more is needed to truly
ground the work within me, or possibly to access other emotions I've
repressed (anger, for example, an emotion I so rarely feel I assume I
am just someone who doesn't really feel anger, but....). Montseratt
brought it up too, that one more session like that would be really
helpful.
But these long sessions are expensive - not relatively, but it's
a six to seven hour process, all in one day and Montserrat is
completely focussed on me the entire time. I need help to do this, and
as always as I write this, I feel... awkward. I have no expectations,
I trust that somehow it will be possible.
If you can help, that would be amazing. If you can't, thank you
so much for reading this far. It's a support just knowing you have,
that you are there.
So this is what I'm asking for:
One long session with Montseratt, including transport £450
Paypal/Fundrazr fees @12% £54
Total: £504
Note:
If there is anything left in terms of the percentage I've put for
Paypal/Fundrazr deductions, I’ll put it towards animal rescue.
***IMPORTANT***: If you donate via this fundraiser, you can
adjust the tip amount to 0 before sending your donation. Click on the
"Change tip amount" link, go to "Other" and type
in 0 before you confirm with "Count me in". This way you
will not be charged any extra fees for your donation, fees still just
come off my end, but it means you’re not sending more than you mean to.
If a bank transfer is easier, let me know.
My email is sandra@sandrajensen.net.
If you prefer to donate directly via paypal it’s to:
sandra@sandrajensen.com - just make sure you make it for 'friends and
family.'
The text to this fundraiser is mostly from my lastest blog - and links to all the posts about my health journey, but you can find the rest of me on my website: https://www.sandrajensen.net
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